The Soundtrack of Life
Since I started commuting to and from work, the car stereo has taken a significant role in my day and I rely on it to accompany my particular mood of that moment of each day.
To start the day, my reluctant early morning drive is the perfect time for NPR's Morning Edition. Like clockwork, I turn the program on right after the headlights as I'm backing out of the driveway. Not one for hectic radio advertisements and peppy DJs, and especially not in the early a.m., my morning drive is the perfect time of the day to listen to the world news and interviews with the calm NPR voices.
After work, often I enjoy the silence as I let my mind run freely after a cramped day in cubicle conformity. Or I crank up a symphony or a Bach cantata and exercise my vocal chords by joining with the rich melodies and choruses as I enjoy the freedom of driving alone, away from the routine, into the sunset. At night, driving home after closing at my department store on-call jewelry sales job or after going out, the car becomes transformed into Heidi's Disco Car as I crank some techno or house mix tunes even louder.
Tonight as I drove home after the first conductor search committee meeting for the symphony, Brahms 3 poured loudly but gracefully through the speakers. Paired perfectly with the cool, but clear air of the early fall night, the emotion of the piece drew to the fore thoughts that have been circling through my head in a back and forth pattern for the past year.
I realized that I have just past the one year anniversary since my plane touched American soil. That landing had transported me back to a life living at home, with my parents, after being so independent. As my thoughts continued to swirl around this point, I thought of this blog, how its name "Destination Germany" is somehow so inappropriate, yet hard to change. Does it mean finally giving up my last bit of independence? Surrendering, at least temporarily, that part of me who took the plunge and moved abroad, not worrying what might happen if I didn't get accepted into a music conservatory?
I still don't know what the near future holds. Frankly, a lot of these things decide themselves simply because of my situation - paying back loans and gaining precious orchestral experience. But how long will I stay in this part of Iowa? Will I take a large leap and move to a big city elsewhere with no secure playing opportunity lined up (after saving up more money, of course)? Will I ever move to Germany again? If I stay in Northwest Iowa, will I finally get an apartment in Sioux City? Will I ever use my music or German degrees in a day job? How long will I be a legal secretary? Would I ever be interested in studying a new subject completely different (yet perhaps more practical...)?
Constantly different scenarios play through my mind going back and forth like a furious "he loves me, he loves me not" flower petal plucking session. One moment I come to a solid conclusion and the next minute, I chuckle to myself as I realize how it couldn't work right now or maybe not at all. Like with the decision to put in Romantic Oboe Sonatas or the soundtrack from Le Divorce, sometimes the decisions of my future change just as easily as what CD to stick in the stereo at that particular moment of the day. But last night with Brahms 3 filling every inch of the car, emotion spilling out of the speakers like the yolk out of a cracked egg (I know...a stretch), somehow none of those decisions matter and for that moment it's okay to just keep doing what I'm doing. I am content.
Then I wake up early the next morning, turn on NPR's Morning Edition as I'm backing out the driveway, still half-asleep. I sip my coffee, listen to the news and morning interviews, and prepare myself for a new day where the whole thought process will just begin again.
To start the day, my reluctant early morning drive is the perfect time for NPR's Morning Edition. Like clockwork, I turn the program on right after the headlights as I'm backing out of the driveway. Not one for hectic radio advertisements and peppy DJs, and especially not in the early a.m., my morning drive is the perfect time of the day to listen to the world news and interviews with the calm NPR voices.
After work, often I enjoy the silence as I let my mind run freely after a cramped day in cubicle conformity. Or I crank up a symphony or a Bach cantata and exercise my vocal chords by joining with the rich melodies and choruses as I enjoy the freedom of driving alone, away from the routine, into the sunset. At night, driving home after closing at my department store on-call jewelry sales job or after going out, the car becomes transformed into Heidi's Disco Car as I crank some techno or house mix tunes even louder.
Tonight as I drove home after the first conductor search committee meeting for the symphony, Brahms 3 poured loudly but gracefully through the speakers. Paired perfectly with the cool, but clear air of the early fall night, the emotion of the piece drew to the fore thoughts that have been circling through my head in a back and forth pattern for the past year.
I realized that I have just past the one year anniversary since my plane touched American soil. That landing had transported me back to a life living at home, with my parents, after being so independent. As my thoughts continued to swirl around this point, I thought of this blog, how its name "Destination Germany" is somehow so inappropriate, yet hard to change. Does it mean finally giving up my last bit of independence? Surrendering, at least temporarily, that part of me who took the plunge and moved abroad, not worrying what might happen if I didn't get accepted into a music conservatory?
I still don't know what the near future holds. Frankly, a lot of these things decide themselves simply because of my situation - paying back loans and gaining precious orchestral experience. But how long will I stay in this part of Iowa? Will I take a large leap and move to a big city elsewhere with no secure playing opportunity lined up (after saving up more money, of course)? Will I ever move to Germany again? If I stay in Northwest Iowa, will I finally get an apartment in Sioux City? Will I ever use my music or German degrees in a day job? How long will I be a legal secretary? Would I ever be interested in studying a new subject completely different (yet perhaps more practical...)?
Constantly different scenarios play through my mind going back and forth like a furious "he loves me, he loves me not" flower petal plucking session. One moment I come to a solid conclusion and the next minute, I chuckle to myself as I realize how it couldn't work right now or maybe not at all. Like with the decision to put in Romantic Oboe Sonatas or the soundtrack from Le Divorce, sometimes the decisions of my future change just as easily as what CD to stick in the stereo at that particular moment of the day. But last night with Brahms 3 filling every inch of the car, emotion spilling out of the speakers like the yolk out of a cracked egg (I know...a stretch), somehow none of those decisions matter and for that moment it's okay to just keep doing what I'm doing. I am content.
Then I wake up early the next morning, turn on NPR's Morning Edition as I'm backing out the driveway, still half-asleep. I sip my coffee, listen to the news and morning interviews, and prepare myself for a new day where the whole thought process will just begin again.
posted by Heidi at 9:21 PM
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