Memorial Day

This morning my mom, dad, and I played with our town's municipal band for the Memorial Day ceremony at the court house, where these flags stand every year. It was very touching, as usual. I've played this Memorial Day concert since high school, minus a few summers I wasn't at home Memorial Day weekend. A man reads a very moving poem each year, which he wrote himself, about a veteran looking down from heaven as his family visits his grave. It never fails to draw sniffles from the audience.

Afterwards it was time for a Memorial Day outdoor activity, which consisted of a long bike ride with my mom (pictured) and a family friend. Our town does not have much nature outside of corn fields (which actually are really pretty, just not too exciting), but we tried a new bike path which goes around town over our little river. Despite being so windy it felt at times we were peddling with no progress, it was nice to try something other than the usual golf course path!

Note: Aren't the matching bikes just so cute? They actually belong to my parents. Someday I'll get my own again!


Thank you to all the men and women who have served our country, past and present. You are so appreciated!

The Mind of a Child

As I talked to my late boss' father- and mother-in-law yesterday when they stopped by the office to take care of more executive duties for the will, they filled me in on how Jeff's kids are reacting, post-accident.

Remember, Jeff was divorced and had all 4 kids in the car when they lost control and rolled, and finally hit a highway guard rail. The oldest daughter was the only one hospitalized but they're all fine now (she's still wearing a neck brace). Jeff had 2 sets of twins, ages 10 and 2 1/2, boy and girl of each set. It's heartbreaking to see how the kids are taking this in and understanding their loss in their own ways.

Apparently when the grandparents took the kids home with them last weekend, the little 2 1/2 year-old girl would start screaming after driving over even the slightest highway bump. She'd cry, "We fall down!". The grandma and older sister held her hand to help comfort her, but it is obvious that she was traumatized by the accident. Though her twin brother doesn't say much, he does similarly say "Daddy fall down get hurt".

In their young minds, this is how they relate to losing their father. I'm sure they will remember parts of this. I remember when I was in the hospital when I was almost three and remember crying when the nurse would come in to draw more blood. After that I would fear even the slightest sight of blood or the idea of getting a shot. Now I don't like shots but am okay with it and even the sight of blood, but even into my teens I would panic at the thought of getting a shot.

The 10-year-old girl is talking about the accident and her dad the most. She went through the most physical trauma and had the most attention because of being in the hospital, so maybe she "understood" the reality of it best, but she is obviously still affected by the accident. Jeff's doctor friend has been stepping in for Jeff and reaching out to the kids. He told me the other day that when he was driving the kids home from having dinner recently, the oldest daughter would say, "Slow down, you're driving too fast!" even when he was purposely driving slowly.

The 10-year-old boy is a really smart. I mean, so smart he took a college history course last summer and got the best grade of all the college students. He's been pretty quiet about the situation, apparently, so he started seeing a therapist a little. It's good that he's talking to someone trained. He's a polite, cute little guy and basically Jeff's mini-double. Jeff loved all his kids and told stories about them all, but there was definitely a strong father-son "best buds" bond between the oldest boy and him. The grandparents are most concerned for him since no one really knows what's going on in that overly intelligent mind of his. But luckily he and his twin sister will grow up with many fond memories of their father and will hopefully spread those to their two younger siblings.

A Little Thing?

With an audition for a local symphony orchestra scheduled for the same day as the starting date for my new law firm coming up (first Monday of June), I've been wondering how I could manage to push back the starting date of my new legal secretary job to be able to take the audition.

Still working in my current office, it might be understandable to the new firm if I asked for more time here in order to finish packing, sorting, and distributing. In fact, my dear former boss Jeff's father-in-law, the executor of the will, would be glad to have me here in the office as long as possible to make sure everything gets done since he's from out of town. However, I think progress is going well and I feel I can reach the goal of being out of here by the last day of May, so as not to have to pay June rent for the office space.

I felt that lying to the new law firm about why I would not be able to start that Monday was out of the question. I really felt strongly that if it was God's desire for me to take the audition, whatever the outcome, he would somehow arrange it so I wouldn't have to lie to get out of work. So instead of thinking up a fake excuse (which I've never been good at anyway), either I would really need to ask for more time to finish in my current law office because it truthfully hadn't gotten done, or I would have to tell the truth about the audition, even if it meant I wouldn't get the day off because they'd wonder why I'm auditioning for a new job when I just started at their firm.

Ideally, I wanted the new firm to call me and tell me I wouldn't be able start as planned because they hadn't gotten my new computer set up yet or something along those lines. However, the HR representative had already told me I could call her if something came up regarding the starting date. So last Friday I felt would be a good day to call and bring it up, but I decided to wait since I still had almost 2 weeks before starting. So I didn't call. Well, yesterday the phone rang. And who was it? The HR rep at the new law firm apologizing that my computer would be arriving late and would I mind starting a couple weeks later?!

I assured her that it was no problem and after I hung up I got choked up. I couldn't believe it! This seemingly simple thing of figuring out logistics, which was actually big to me because it was on my mind a lot, shows that God doesn't take our trust lightly; he treasures it and we see the rewards in different forms. And, though I am really happy to take the audition, it doesn't even matter if I win this audition because I know he has something interesting for my life and is taking care of me along the way.

Quarter of a Century Finished

This week marks the last week of my 25th year of life. I realize that in a few years, 25 will seem young, but for that reason I feel like it's leaving a milestone year. Ever notice how when women over 35 talk about the past, it's always about "looking 25 again" or "if I only knew at 25 what I know now..."? It is the age which most everyone refers to, perhaps unknowingly, as the Golden Year, flavored by strong memories.

When I look back to my 25th year when I, myself, am 35+, I am not sure what I will think. Certainly many unpredictable things have occurred in the past year. A year ago I brought in my birthday while living in Berlin, knowing I might move home again for a year at most. This birthday I will, in fact, be at home with no immediate plans of leaving! Living with my parents at my age might be common enough in Europe, especially when trying to save money, but is not necessarily a common practice in this neck of the woods. More common here for a 25-year-old is to be married, have a house and a kid or 2!

When it comes to a social life, usually 25 is in the midst of the prime party years. However, my days of coming out of a disco by the light of morning just in time for a sticky Rosinenschnecke fresh out of the bakery oven (or in the case of the ever-famous "Hasir" in Kreuzberg, an early morning lentil soup) are over for now. This corner of Iowa seems to excel mostly in dingy pubs, or the slightly better sports bars, and the only dancing you'll find is at the local tap dance studios.

Regardless of the city excitement I've given up by moving home, this year has been quite interesting and a great learning experience. Sure, I might occasionally have to repress the urge to cry when I step out of the office to a gorgeous evening and know I could be enjoying a drink at an outdoor cafe on some enchanted cobblestone street somewhere else, and all I see is cement and a gross Chinese restaurant that has made me sick two times in a row... But I know this won't last forever. And so while it lasts, I'm going to continue to enjoy myself and live it up, home-style.

So even though when I look back at this Golden Year, it won't be to chuckle at the crazy nights I had in faraway places. I will, however, have great memories of learning experiences surrounded by great people. There were less crazy, but very fulfilling times with good friends back at home, and I'll remember how I made up for lost time with my parents - how they were always there to talk to and how they got to come to my symphony concerts and cheer me on, showing the support and pride only parents can. Besides, geez, there is plenty of time for quaint outdoor cafes and crazy nights to come again when I'm 26+!

If only every audition could be like that...

I officially got the job as principal oboe in the local symphony after an audition the other night. The catch? I was the only one auditioning! But, all the worse if they hadn't taken me, especially after playing the position all season! Now, if only I could go to every audition as the only candidate, maybe I wouldn't get so nervous (actually, I probably still would).

The audition was helpful, as our main conductor gave me pointers that will help me prepare for further auditions. But she also was was very encouraging and after hearing me play my solo piece, she said I needed to play the orchestral excerpts with more confidence, as I had played the solo piece. I heard similar comments from my jury after my chamber music Master's recital in Berlin. They wanted me to come out and be an actress, "owning" the stage. My serious smile hadn't done it for them. So for my solo Master's recital a few days later, I plastered on my most confident smile and acted as arrogant as possible and they loved it, remarking how far I'd come in less than a week. I know when you come out thinking you're the best, you play with more confidence, too. That's easy to do when you're comfortable, it's just getting to that point even when you feel nervous or intimidated!

We've been rehearsing all week for our last concert of the season coming up on Saturday. It's an all Beethoven concert and will be fun. I also have my eye on another area audition coming up, too. I accepted the legal secretary job at the new law firm and they want me to start the day of that audition, so I'll have to figure that out!

New Direction

Yesterday I was greeted in the little office I've been tearing apart and organizing by four men. One was the newly-appointed Executor of the Will of my late boss, Jeff. Instead of the executor being his ex-wife, as originally thought, it was decided that her father, Jeff's father-in-law, would take the responsibility. He and Jeff were very close and that's who Jeff and the kids were visiting before the accident occurred.

The father-in-law came in accompanied by three attorneys. One of them was a man I've been talking to regularly because he was appointed trustee of our client files. The other two men were attorneys from a law firm who are aiding the father-in-law in legal matters of the Estate.

I led the 4 men into the conference room. We sat around the table and discussed the current status of the situation. They were very appreciative of the work I've done around the office as well as with the ongoing distribution of files to clients. They decided that since no one else would be able to continue the work I'd started, I should stay on for another month. I was a little shocked to hear this, especially after I was originally told that yesterday would be my last day, and then later that I would be there another week. But I'm happy to keep working there and very glad to be maintaining an income. Note: I was finally paid yesterday for the couple weeks after Jeff's death. With the executor taking so long to be named, there was a risk of never seeing the money, or at least taking much longer!

Besides, the more time I have, the better, as this is a big job. While I've managed to make a large dent in the piles of papers and files and clear a lot out, there is still much to go through. My desk area with the filing cabinets is quite a zoo. But as I explained it to the men yesterday - it's "organized chaos." The piles of papers on the floor actually do have a meaning!

On Tuesday morning I got a call from the founding partner of a different law firm across the street, asking if I could pop over to talk to him. He knows my mom through work they do with her company, and she is their go-to person there and he just loves her. When he found out her daughter (me) was the secretary of the deceased lawyer and knew I'd be looking for a job (and also they had an opening) he told her to have me bring my resume over. So I went over to chat with him and then talked with their HR person. They told me they'd let me know in a few days what they decided, as there were other applicants.

Yesterday another position opened up downtown so I wrote a cover letter, tweaked my resume, and sent that over. Just as I had done that, the phone rang offering me a position with the first law firm. I was pleased to be offered a position (even includes health benefits) but can't help feeling a little hesitant. The salary isn't that high, not that I can complain with my little experience, and I'd be sitting in a cubicle with several other secretaries at this firm. I guess I got spoiled here with Jeff, being the only secretary/assistant and got my own private area to sit in. Also, in the new law firm, it's a strict 8-5 job (my job was 8:30-4:30 + lunch..and flexible at that) with only one week vacation the first year. It feels a little confining, but I know it's standard and I should be glad to have a position offered to me. Besides, it doesn't have to be forever. And lest I forget I was about to have to apply for a cleaning position a couple months ago!

But they have given me a few days to think it over. They will also let me work at my current job for 2-3 weeks longer, meaning I might not be able to stay the full month like the attorneys wanted, but will certainly be able to get a lot done, if not all, in that time.

Oh, and the position I've been playing all season (principal oboe) in the local symphony will finally have an audition for permanent placement. The audition is coming up in 3 days and it's only me and one other local oboist auditioning (the orchestra doesn't pay enough for anyone outside the area to come audition). If I don't get it even after playing principal oboe all season, I'll feel really terrible! It certainly wouldn't motivate me to take bigger auditions thereafter...

Our conductors have been positive about my playing so far, but in the last concert I made pretty fatal error in a solo with our main conductor. I had been watching the conductor for my tricky entrance and looked down and lost my place. I was able to sort of cover it and later the other woodwinds said it was barely noticeable, but I knew the conductor knew, and I was devastated. It was basically the first time I've ever messed up on a solo before in a concert and couldn't believe I had done it on that sensitive passage. But, interestingly enough, the conductor has chosen that exact excerpt for the audition, so I hope to prove I can play it under stress!

Also, I received another invitation from a German orchestra, going back to when I was applying for jobs when I lived there, up to over a year ago (slow?). This job is in Frankfurt. I e-mailed the personnel manager asking if I could send in a CD for a pre-first round. Not that I can afford to fly over for the actual audition, but at least if they heard me and said I might have a even a small chance, then it wouldn't be a total waste of money to fly over (if flying to Europe is ever a "waste").

The personnel manager e-mailed me back actually telling me it would be okay and I was shocked! But, now that I am allowed to do it, I can't get my recording to be good enough! It's so frustrating. So I don't even think I will be able to send a CD because if I can't send something perfect over (that's the problem with a recording - the standards are so high), I know they won't even consider me. And, at this point, the audition in Frankfurt is in 3 weeks, and I certainly can't get a last minute ticket to Europe even if they would consider me based on the CD. But it hasn't all be in vain because all this recording has helped me prepare for other auditions by listening to myself play and knowing what to do and not do!